Can't Put Down the Sword

(cool pic found at http://educarneiro.blogspot.jp/2010/10/cold-samurai.html)

Today I rode to the dojo planning to tell sensei that I was going to stop iaido.

As I rode up to the dojo I saw his silhouette swinging the sword and flowers flooded my mind. My courage wavered and when I walked in and said goodmorning I didn't want to quit. As I got changed I thought about how I could tell him my decision, and as I stepped out my volition shrank to the size of an umeboshi (very small Japanese plum fruit) and I knew it wouldn't happen today.

The number one thing we learn in the martial arts is not to worry.

When you have a problem you think. You think why this problem arose, how you can fix it, and the worry disappears. Then you move and live.

It's all just cause and effect.

Technical perfection and a complete absence of fear are both impossible abstractions. We are not perfect and we are going to have our Great Failure: death. We must accept our mortal fate and continue our lives the way we want, maybe that means the best we can. Maybe that's the -do, "the way".

Aside from that we're focusing on the details, the jutsu (technique).

So we don't worry, but that's just what I've been doing.

Issues of time, I guess. I don't feel like I have enough for all the things I want to do. I've gone far enough in kyudo to see what it takes to improve. I know we should not obsess or worry about success, but I want to be better. That's not a bad thing. I want to improve and I want to spend the time with it to do so. I want something I can put my full effort into and progress in. If I'm spending more time thinking about kyudo than doing it then it bugs me. This is kyudo for me. It is an art and a source of deep friendships and love. If one made me choose one art for the rest of my life right now, I would choose kyudo with confidence, as strage as that may seem.

I think if I could put all of my effort into kyudo it would be beautiful. If I could just cut off iaido, my kyudo would bloom to what I want...

but I just can't.

Thinking is what trips me up. I make demons and angels, but the actual practice is unexplaninably fulfilling for me. I've grown very attached to my sensei in these last two months, and I think he has to me. I love my iai practice.

What it really is is fairly small. It's Friday morning for about an hour and a half and $50 a month. In time if I continue I'll start the jo which will add about another hour a session and another $40. It is a day away from kyudo. It is money I could otherwise use for savings, bills, or anything else. (It's also about not doing martial arts, and the vaccuum which would allow me to enjoy other things and subconsciously process better what I have already learned ... but that's a whole discussion for another post.)

I don't know.

On the paper in my mind I should quit. It moves my emotions to want to quit.

In real life I can't. My body and the outside world draw me in.

Now I'm back in the mind, and I'm being drawn into the labyrinth of details that are too much for this blog ...

but I do have a big point here I want to communicate:

The good thing about all of this is that there is no need to rush, and no decisions to quit are forever.

I don't have to make any decision now. I can think and see how things go and quit next week or the next, or next month, or next year. There's no need to decide right this second.

This is HUGE for me. I usually deal with such matters with an apocalyptic urgency. It's unecessary and unbecoming. This is something I want to change.

Also, even if I stop I can always start again.

I know this cause I talked to sensei about this last week.

I've had thoughts of quitting for the last month and finally voiced them with sensei last week.

That was a very good decision. I think the worst thing you can do is just show up one day and resign out of the blue leaving no room for discussion or goodbye's. What you do in training is learn from a teacher. Of course we're learning physical skills, but I think we can learn much more about living our lives and how to make decisions at the various crossroads we come to. My sensei is there to help me and wants me to succeed, even if it means discontinuing training. A good teacher will always help you on your way no matter what.

So I told sensei about my worries and asked him as someone who has practiced various arts over a long time, what he thought about my worries. He sensed my direction pulling away from iaido and I could see him feeling a big distraught. Wse talked a lot but basically there were 3 main parts.

First, if you're practicing too many arts and your time is spread too thin, you won't learn anyhing in either of them. That's not good, and in that case, you should pick one.

Second, I can stop and restart anytime. The dojo's not going anywhere and nobody would harbor any malicious memories towards me for taking or break or making the decision to focus on other things.

Third, if iaido takes over your life and takes precious time away from my wife and relaxation, then it is not worth it.

There is no need for the sword, but there is a need for our contentment.

Art should support our life, not replace it.

So I continue.

But I don't know.

Iaido Progress

Today I had my second practice with Yamada Sensei and it was invigorating. I was sure to get there early, and ready to see what was going to happen. When I went the door was locked and nobody was around, but I saw Sensei's car. Last week Sensei said I should go in myself and get ready before the lesson, but now it was impossible. Is this another test!? I mused wondering if sensei's trying to mess with my head in some extra training. But he came out of the nieghboring house, and showed me the key hanging just outside the door. So I went in, got ready, the other student came, and we started practice. Time disappeared as I focused on the immediate.  At one point I thought about looking at the clock, but decided against it. It ruins everything, and by not looking I think I build a habit of not caring. I had nowhere else to be that day, I was consumed with iaido at the moment. There's no need for clocks in this time.

Yamada Sensei is a great teacher. We start by practicing swinging the sword straight up and down, the most basic of techniques, move to something else, then go back, and I'm way better all of a sudden. He shows us the basic movement in so many different ways, training the little details of the single movement in various movements so each time we build and build these little bricks to make a big swinging sword castle. We move to something else, and come back and I'm way better again. In the end all we're doing is swinging a sword, but when you look closely, there's a lot more details than you noticed a first. I feel like I'm making a lot of progress with this practice.

Here's some of the details we worked on and things that come to mind now.

Changing tenouchi, position of the hand holding the sword. Sensei showed us that we change the tenouchi in iaido sometimes when we went to quickly swing the sword in the opposite direction it ust came. He said that when we change the grip with the jo (short staff) you change the jo within your hand because it's round and the same no matter how you hold it, so you can switch it easy in your hand. But the sword isn't round, so you change your hand around the handle of the sword.

I realized my worst habits are not keeping my back straight and bouncing when I swing. It's also not raising the blade in front of me from the tip. Then there's also squaring my shoulders straight when I'm facing forward (maybe a habit left from aikido where you're also in the hanmi position and never facing forward with square hips).

The two biggest things helping my technique are cutting with the back hand while the front guides the sword. Also stretching my self, arms, and blade at the furthest point of impact, extending completely. When I relax my front arm, extend fully, and snap with the back hand, it feels good and I can hear the swish of the blade through the air, which is a good sign.

This is one of the interesting parts of iaido, and perhaps where one can learn from the sword itself.

Sensei said we learn aikido using the 5 senses. We watch a teacher, we feel the weight of the blade, we listen to the sound of the  blade, smelling ... not sure about that one yet ... taste ... I'm not sure I want to taste the blade, but for some reason I can imagine learning iaido by taste ... I'll have to work on that in my head, though.

One other interesting point we worked on was the sensitivity of our hands on the sword. If we stand with another person and touch blades, we can sense so easily the slightest little bit of movement with the nerves in our hands. An amazingly small amount of movement or pressure is so clearly felt. I remember going over this in aikido, like when someone grabs our wrist, they can feel you react by flexing or moving our hand, so you work to move in ways that people can't detect what you're going to do. I forgot how sensitive we are to this without even noticing.

So yes, progress with the sword! Things are moving slowly and well. I think I'm building a good schedule between iaido and kyudo ... and everything else in life! I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but it feels good today.

I Figured Out That I'm Still Afraid of Kyudo

 

(picture found at http://www.gundermann-berlin.de/tenouchi.html)

So this is part of a double revelation that happened in the past 24 hours considering my falterings in Kyudo. Total out of the blue flashes of enlightenment light-bulbs, it's moments like these one can see the magic in life and budo.

As I've mentioned a lot lately, I went through a huge phase of injuring my hand a few months ago, got over it, took a break from kyudo, and it's come back, seemingly impossible to fix. There are a LOT of factors to this equation. These details are what make kyudo so difficult, and at the same time so intriguing. I won't go through all of them here, but there is one major ... probably THE major reason why I have been injuring myself, and that is because I'm gripping the bow too hard with my left hand. Our hands are so important in kyudo, they are each delicate minds that communicate with the bow and arrow. Our hands must fit the right shape so as to act as the proper tools to allow superior technique to flow, but they must be as soft as possible so as to get out of the way of that superior technique.

I have been told this numerous times: "Zac, you need to relax your hands more."

"Easier said than done!"

This is the difficult truth. Our hands must fit the right shape, and in order to do so at first we will inevitably insert tension into our hands. We must graduate from this as soon as possible. Why I haven't done so initially is a whole 'nother question, but now I see that I am definitely hurting my hand because I'm gripping the bow too hard in my left hand.

This is what I realized while soaking in an onsen yesterday. Submerged up to my nose in steaming sulfur water, this realization blasted me with light and I felt like jumping out of the pool and telling everybody around. (I wonder how many people get these kinds of epiphanies in the hot springs? Like the toilet, I think it's quite the convenient spot for grand realizations.)

I need to keep my thumb straight and extended (that is where my tension should go), I need to keep the connection between my middle finger and thumb through the daisan posture (one reason why I haven't been able to relax my hand), and I should curl my pinky around the bottom of the bow (but I haven't been able to do that well so far, and I don't think it's causing too much problems with my injury). Other than that, my hand needs to be soft, and merely act as a shaft in which the bow turns. There is no other tension I can put in my hand that will help the technique.

I must relax my hand or I will continue to injure myself.

The second realization came today, but I can't remember when exactly. (Maybe when I was eating oyakodon for lunch in a small cafe?) Basically, I realized that I wasn't overcoming this problem due to the fear of further injuring my thumb.

Until now I have made blisters and torn through them, keeping me from practicing kyudo. So I wait for them to heal as calluses and go back, only to tear through them again. Why does this happen? Basically because I won't relax my hand, but more specifically, because I'm afraid of reinjuring my hand. Because of this subconscious fear I focus ALL of my attention on my hand in daisan, which is too much, and do small strange things to avoid it's injury, instead of not worrying and just relaxing my hand. This is not a fear I am fully conscious of which has made it hard to detect.

I've never practiced a martial art which has delt with fear in the way kyudo has. Fear has been directly related to all three painful experiences I've had in kyudo.

First was when the string would slap my arm at the release. This made me afraid of the release and I would flinch just before, making my hanare (release) shit. Next was the string slapping my face during the draw, which made my hikiwake (draw) shit. Now I have the injury of my thumb which makes my daisan (transition after lifting the bow above you and before the draw) shit.

It's so strange that my injuries occur earlier and earlier on in the form. Perhaps I'm getting closer to the core of the technique (as everything stems from the movement earlier). That's really interesting. I wonder if my next injury will happen in uchiokoshi (raising the bow), or in simply just standing there. It sounds silly, but I never would have guessed that kyudo would go like this for me.

Well, just like it was when I got over getting slapped in the face, generally, I'm plain sick of it happening and am going to not let it happen anymore. Specifically, I'm going to relax my hand.

I'm sick of this bullshit, I'm going to get past this and progress in this art. This is the strength of endurance and perserverance in the martial arts, and it's a little different than blind bull-headed wall smashing charging (although it is kind of like that though, I guess).

My hand has healed sufficiently, I've understood why I'm causing an injury, and I'm ready to get past it. Wish me luck.

Pray to the gods, but don't rely on their help.

Tomorrow is a big day on the budo path.

What is Budo?: The Budo Charter

, the Japanese martial ways, have their origins in the age-old martial spirit of Japan. Through centuries of historical and social change, these forms of traditional culture evolved from combat techniques (jutsu) into ways of self-development (). 　Seeking the perfect unity of mind and technique, has been refined and cultivated into ways of physical training and spiritual development. The study of encourages courteous behaviour, advances technical proficiency, strengthens the body, and perfects the mind. Modern Japanese have inherited traditional values through which continue to play a significant role in the formation of the Japanese personality, serving as sources of boundless energy and rejuvenation. As such, has attracted strong interest internationally, and is studied around the world. 　However, a recent trend towards infatuation just with technical ability compounded by an excessive concern with winning is a severe threat to the essence of . To prevent any possible misrepresentation, practitioners of must continually engage in self-examination and endeavour to perfect and preserve this traditional culture. 　It is with this hope that we, the member organisations of the Japanese Association, established The Charter in order to uphold the fundamental principles of .

ARTICLE 1：OBJECTIVE OF Through physical and mental training in the Japanese martial ways,exponents seek to build their character, enhance their sense of judgement, and become disciplined individuals capable of making contributions to society at large. ARTICLE 2：KEIKO (Training) When training in , practitioners must always act with respect and courtesy, adhere to the prescribed fundamentals of the art, and resist the temptation to pursue mere technical skill rather than strive towards the perfect unity of mind, body, and technique. ARTICLE 3：SHIAI (Competition) Whether competing in a match or doing set forms (kata), exponents must externalise the spirit underlying . They must do their best at all times, winning with modesty, accepting defeat gracefully, and constantly exhibiting self-control. ARTICLE 4：(Training Hall) The is a special place for training the mind and body. In the , practitioners must maintain discipline, and show proper courtesies and respect. The should be a quiet, clean, safe, and solemn environment. ARTICLE 5：TEACHING Teachers of should always encourage others to also strive to better themselves and diligently train their minds and bodies, while continuing to further their understanding of the technical principles of . Teachers should not allow focus to be put on winning or losing in competition, or on technical ability alone. Above all, teachers have a responsibility to set an example as role models. ARTICLE 6：PROMOTING Persons promoting must maintain an open-minded and international perspective as they uphold traditional values. They should make efforts to contribute to research and teaching, and do their utmost to advance in every way.

Member Organisations of the Japanese Association Zen Nihon Renmei (All Japan Judo Federation) Zen Nippon Renmei (All Japan Kendo Federation) Zen Nihon Renmei (All Nippon Kyudo Federation) Nihon Renmei (Japan Sumo Federation) Zen Nihon Renmei (Japan Karatedo Federation) Aikikai (Aikikai Foundation) Renmei (Shorinji Kempo Federation) Zen Nihon Naginata Renmei (All Japan Naginata Federation) Zen Nihon Renmei (All Japan Jukendo Federation) Nippon (Nippon Budokan Foundation)

Established on 23 April, 1987 by the Japanese Association (Nippon ) English translation revised 16 September, 2004 Copyright(C) 2004　The Japanese Association http://www.nipponbudokan.or.jp/shinkoujigyou/budochater.html ... After deciding to post this, I've thought a lot over the last week about what to say about this. So many things have weaved through my mind. In a sense, tens of topics come to mind, all of which deserving of their own post. And yet I can't put that all down here at this moment. I don't think it's necessary, or even beneficial to do so. The topic of budo is best studied in small bits over long periods of time. To that end, I suppose my small words here and there in this manner should suffice.       That said, this document, the Budo Charter, is no small tidbit. Size-wise, it's not so long, and probably didn't take you more than two minutes to read and yet, this document is the product of well-experienced bodies who have come together to bind the core elements of the Japanese martial arts practiced today that can fit into the realm of budo, and that is big.     Coming to Japan I sought to discover the roots, reasons, and existence of martial arts. I have read, practiced, and thought what I have thought. After reading this document, I affirm its credibility as an accurate depiction and explanation of what budo is.       Perhaps the most powerful part of this document is that it illuminates what budo is not.       Budo is not about winning. Budo is not about being the best. Budo is not about destroying the self and transcending reality. Budo is not about killing. Though I will say Budo is not about these aforementioned qualities, it does involve them all on a deep level. We follow the threads of effort in existence. Budo has it's roots in violence. However that is not what it is about.     To give my small opinion in a small manner, budo is about putting our efforts in the right places, widening our ability, all to the effect of functioning well in the world.Much of the world is society. In a lot of ways I used to think, and perhaps still do from time to time, that peace and society were lower than the victorious individual amid life-threatening situations, but I believe that it is quite the opposite now. Peace and society are the most relevant realms to our existence. We should seek to accept and contribute to peace and society by being here now, doing what we decide to do, not concealing ourselves away in dark caves waging war against ourselves.       So that's basically it.   In the last post I said I would talk about why budo is best understood in modern Japanese culture, and here I will mention some things that come to mind.   The budo charter was written in modern history by modern masters of various arts in Japan. This is not a secret text hidden within the castle of the greatest warrior in history some hundreds or thousands of years ago. The Budo Charter was drafted by modern minds, in modern times, for modern life.       The Budo Charter is not a decree about life, but a document about specific practices related to martial arts. One can interpret the document any which way they like, making connections to unrelated aspects of life. This is fun, incredibly helpful, and perhaps the unwritten goal of budo, but, it is what it is: a document about specific practices of Japanese martial arts.   This has been my personal experience in budo in Japan: you go to the dojo and work on specific techniques in a general unsaid way specified by the Budo Charter, and then you go into your life. All the general philosophical benefits will slowly grow in your life and you'll have small epiphanies at random times, but one's effort is wasted without physically concentrating on what exactly one is doing, which is practicing techniques within the budo atmosphere. The Budo Charter is something to check in on every once in a while, not chant 1,000 times at every sunrise. Although I guess you could do that if you wanted.       I believe budo is best understood in modern Japan because modern Japanese society operates under a lot of the same guidelines. People in Japan do in fact revere their religions as sacred, yet seem to neglect their existence in daily life. This is similar to the ideas in the Budo Charter: practitioners believe the details as most-important, but they are rarely talked about, probably because they are not often directly thought about. The vast amount of effort in Japanese society goes into work. One's job is where the majority of effort is focused, so much to the effect that Japan is famous for it's work ethic, or rather it's overworked populace. Without getting into that discussion, this is similar to budo in that we must put our effort into what is in front of us, the specifics of our technique. Perhaps the most glaring characteristics of the Budo Charter are related to one's partners. In budo, what is more important than self-advancement, is the harmony of the group. This is often put to question in subtle ways, but generally if one cannot follow the pre-determined etiquete and get along with the other members, budo will not exist.   Got it? Apologies on the terse explanations on such vast subjects. I'm really not cut out for journalism. But my words here are not important. Just read the Budo Charter and judge for yourself. For me, it makes a lot more sense in modern Japanese culture, but if you don't see that, or have never experienced Japanese culture, then what the hell, that has little meaning. Budo doesn't need modern Japan, but I believe it's best understood there, or here, rather. What do you think?! Budo Charter: a good base for understanding budo? A big pile of unko? Let your voice be heard in the comment section!